Beware Of The Sparkles
by Hannahbee
Summary: Crack-fic. Canon divergence. Bella/Jake. Someone is telling the "epic tale" of the battle between love and idiocy.
**Beware Of The Sparkles**

Author: Hannahbee

Summary: Someone is telling the "epic tale" of the battle between love and idiocy.

Rating: there are just some swear words

Warning: **Crack-fic**. Not beta-ed.

Thanks: for your forgiveness. There's really no excuse for this crack. I blame it on the painkillers I got at the time.

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"Once upon a time there was an old woman in a teen's body. She was clumsy and an idiot, because even after reading all the classics on romantic crap, she still chose the wrong guy. Instead of picking the best friend turned more, she followed the manipulative, overbearing, abusive bloodsucker because he sparkled in the sunlight. "

"Whuuuaaaat?" the girl interrupts.

"Yeah, the only things I know that sparkle are stones, so I don't get either why she'd want to snuggle up to a cold, hard statue."

"Water sparkles, too." the younger boy exclaims.

"Idiot, it's not the bubbles we're talking about." his sister rolls her eyes.

The storyteller waits a beat, then proceeds, copying the eyeroll. "Said bloodsucker doesn't feed on humans, so he has topaz eyes, instead of red."

"What's topaz?" the younger one asks.

"It's a stone." the girl explains. "It can be golden-yellow, brown, blue, colorless, pink or green."

"Nerd!"

"At least I have brains!"

"Dammit, I'm telling a story here, so don't pick on your brother."

"Yes, ma." they chorus.

"Sooo back to the leeches. He's not a veg as you might think. Nooo. He feasts on animals… deers (poor Bambis), bears and mountain lions, as far as we know. But there's lots we don't. Makes you wonder why some species are endangered or have died out and why PETA hasn't noticed who's behind it yet.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, bloodsuckers stink, but they can dazzle or bedazzle you, same diff really. Just ask your uncle Seth. And that's why the hobby hunters and rangers aren't pissed either.

Digressing again.

Now really, I'm just buying time to make sense of it all. A difficult endeavor. Impossible even. Still, I'll try to go as far as I can.

Anyway, the girl idiot runs back to the sparkling stone even after he dumped her."

"Ma? Is he supposed to be a symbol for a wedding rock?"

"Damnit, kid, you're hanging around Bella too much. I'm not working with symbols here. Sooo back, she ran after him, even tho he dumped her in the woods (and we all know she can't walk two steps on her own feet), left her broken and suffering from withdrawal, (with no self worth, triggering her suicidal zombie-state, making her unable to live on her own and giving her a dying wish) and then he blackmails her into marrying him or they would never have sex."

"Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?" Her daughter was such a smartass.

"You don't have to marry to have sex, but take precautions, ok? That goes for both of you."

They nod dutifully and she proceeds.

"She could've had sex for free with the best friend turned more (she was in denial about not being in love with him), who had healed her, who was warm and a wolf protector all rolled up in one."

"And she could've had piggyback rides!" the boy exclaims joyfully, remembering the fun he had doing exactly that.

"Now, can I finish already? Without interruptions?"

Solemn expressions meet her and she takes it as a yes.

"I don't know if she did it with the leech or not, and I honestly don't wanna imagine fucking marble or lying under it, but long story short she married the leech, got turned, but didn't sparkle. Why? No one knows. Maybe because she didn't want to drink animals. She was cold all the time, and seeing her folly, she returned home, almost got killed crossing into our territory, but a big good wolf defended her and imprinted on her (was about damn time), then she got divorced and snuggled up to her wolf and they lived happily ever after.

Sooo, first rule of dating…"

She hands out two black t-shirts to her children with "Beware of the sparkles!" printed in big, red letters on the front.

"Pizza's here!" a male voice calls for them.

They head into the kitchen.

"Leah, what nonsense have you been telling our kids again?!" her husband exclaims, seeing their children dressed in their new t-shirts.

"The epic tale of about Jake and Bella." she answers, mastering seriousness as no one else can.

"We're not kids anymore!" their daughter objects.

"We're teens!" chimes in her younger brother.

"And they're in need of dating advice." Leah supplies.

Her husband shakes his dead. He may be the man of the house, but his imprint always has the last word.

The End

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Deleted scene:

"Said bloodsucker doesn't feed on humans. Should've told Angelus about him. He'd have ripped out Eddie's throat, eaten his family for dessert and tortured the sparkle out of them. Not sure in which order."

"Who's Angelus?"

She let out a wistful sigh, then said: "A hunky tv vampire before your time. Oh Buffy, how I envy you. Back to the leech. Because he endangers animals, he has topaz eyes, instead of red."

"Why?"

She sighed the big sigh. Sparkle vamps just made no sense.

END


End file.
